Angels in Disguise

I never talk much about babies. I am done with that part of my life. Diapers, bottles, disrupted sleep. I joke now that I am done, like stick a fork in me I am done.

I guess having Shorty so long after the other two were independent was hard a lot of times. Dragging him around to all the big kids things when I just wanted him to be able to be home like they were when they were younger. And I guess when I finally had a little bit of freedom, when he was in school and now in school full time I never wanted to go back to being stuck. Stuck in the house, not being able to do lunch with the girls, not showering til 3:00 in the afternoon. All those things I was not happy about when I got myself "stuck" again six years ago.

SIX years ago. Where did that time go? For awhile now I have been afraid that I wished it away. Too much complaining and not enough being in the moment.

Yesterday I was holding a little fellow that I know during a breakfast with the girls. He is the kind of guy that you just want to take a bite out of, big blue eyes and all. As we chatted all 8 of us a mile a minute an older woman walked by our table. She looked me holding him and mouthed..."just love him". Guess she must've thought he was mine. I smiled and said I know.

As I thought about my day later on, I thought I did love them. I mean of course I love them but I did love it. Loved that baby smell, that little diaper butt, feeding them a bottle and finding them staring at my face and when I looked down they would smile and dribble formula all over the place. The serious LOUD jumping in the exersaucer, baby food jars in the cabinet, the sound of the baby mobile playing a lullaby over the baby monitor. I have been afraid that because I don't miss it I have wished it away. I don't miss it. Not in the sense that I want it back. I just think now that when I hold a baby or walk down the baby aisle in the supermarket that feeling I get is not dread. It's a tug at my heart to remind me of how wonderful it all was and how lucky I was to have happy healthy babies to love.

I love my life now and where we are at as a family. I can have grown up deep conversations with these two teenagers that live with me. And I know they are the same two lumps folded up in a tight little receiving blanket that I held in the middle of the night. I have a 6 year old that blows me away with the insightful questions he asks. The same baby that during the first time I fed him in the hospital at 2:00 am, as we sat there in that very dimly lit room, and I told him well you certainly aren't a Bianca ( I was convinced he was going to be a girl) he slowly blinked his eyes and I swear moved closer into my arms and smiled. As if to say, "Nope I'm me and it's nice to meet you."

So thanks to that little baby muffin I held in the diner yesterday. And thanks to that lady who walked by. Thanks for reminding me what has always been in my heart. Thank you, angels in disguise. (and also to the one that inspired this post...you know who you are)

There's that "change" thing again...

Seems I write a lot about change lately. How I really don't like it, try to resist it. But know in my heart of hearts there ain't a dam thing I can do about it.

This year is almost over. And not only have I faced a lot of personal change..now our country had embraced change. Seems to be the theme of the year. Change is really staring me in the face now. As usual I approach change with trepidation. I am usually a black and white person. Meaning that's how I see things...not gray. But for the first time I am kinda gray. Not sure about the direction my country is going in..hopeful I suppose but not sure. My children as usual teach me what I need to know.

They live in a household of a certain political party, which is to say, that even though we vote one way, we are usually considerate of other people's views, and have taught them to respectfully agree to disagree. They also have four grandparents that are f-a-r to one side. I guess they have been predisposed to lean to a certain side. So they were upset with the "outcome". So I tried to explain to them that no American wants harm to come to our country and everyone wants what's best. Then I said it. "Change is good." "I think right now we needed it. Maybe we needed to have the apple cart shook up for some reason. " To which they responded, Well Mom, like you say everything happens for a reason". (don't you hate when your own words come back to bite you in the ass??) So I ease their worry and promise when they wake up tomorrow life will go on. And it did.

So I guess my year of change has culminated with the mother of all change. I am really hoping for some good status quo for 2009. I think status quo gets a bad rap sometimes. Although I don't like change I do remain forever hopeful. I really have become the glass half full kind of gal. So maybe I will just stay in the gray zone for awhile. It's a happy place for me. For now.

Not Good-bye pal...

Tonight I said "til next time" to a bunch of my favorite people. Our friends the "Mc's" leave for their new life in Georgia a week from today.

So we got the families together for dinner tonight. Just pizza, beer, wine...kept it easy. If you looked in the window it looked like any other time we had dinner together...all four male children glued to the Wii...eating pizza in the family room,,,jumping all over the couch and spilling soda all over the floor. Female children planted firmly at the dinner table listening and commenting on the "adult" conversation. We talked about Georgia, the schools, the new house, re-finishing old wood floors. We laughed at old jokes, ranted like PTA moms do about school stuff the usual. Then it was time for them to go.

The kids are so well adjusted. They are ready for the adventure. Their mom prepared them well...and I think they are looking forward to it. So if we do such a good job preparing our children what they heck happens to us? How come we can't part with smiles on our face happy to be embarking on a new life and happy for our friend as they go? Where did all the laughing we were just doing go as we crumble into pieces at the door, not wanting this to really to be happening. It was much easier living in denial...thinking Oct 20th was so far away. But it's here. This was the goodbye we wanted. Quiet. Not with all the hoopla of going away parties and people trying to be the one that "will miss them the most". Our families, together just being ourselves..like we have for the past ten years. Not a good-bye either...a "we will see you in 8 weeks when you are back for Christmas."

I just wish....

~goodbyes weren't so hard

~ things can just stay the same when they are so good

~everyone could know a person as truly good as my dear "B"

~I will always be the kind of friend she deserves

I hope stupid Georgia (which is how I refer to it now...never really gave the state much thought but now it's stupid) knows what they are getting. I know. They are getting my sounding board, my shining example of how to be a good person through and through, my understanding look from across a room without having to say a word, my family backyard camp outs, my nudge in the arm letting me know I am doing a good job. My unconditional friend. My low maintenance friend...my give and take friend. My angel on my shoulder...who I taught how to "weed the garden", and put herself first once in a blue moon. One of the many in her fan club. Even though I am so sad, I am happy. I am lucky to have her as my friend and no amount of miles can erase that. We may not be able to grab an hour or two at the diner with a minutes notice, be we will always have each other. Yes it will be different but it will not fade. And I am thankful, for all that she taught me, her love for my family and for sharing her family with me. So we start a new chapter in our life. We will make it good. (there I go trying to embrace change again..and I still do not like it by the way)

Self worth

Where does self-worth come from? Does it come from some magical place inside us like I have heard? Or do we need to be validated from outside our "souls". I don't know.

I "used to" work. I was very much needed where I worked. I was good at what I did. My job was part of who I was. I knew what the stock market was doing, I looked at it everyday. I had to read certain parts of the Wall Street Journal every morning. I wore suits and stockings and high heels. I had a lunch hour, 6 weeks paid vacation, and a sports car. Then I had a baby. I worked right up until one week before I gave birth ( not planned..early arrival!) I thought I could be a "working" mom. I really did. My mother did it, never seemed to phase her. I can remember the day I went back to work after maternity leave. I cried the whole way there. I hated my desk, the stock market and most everyone I worked with. I watched the clock all day and sprinted out when the day was done. I spent my lunch hour shopping for baby clothes in expensive North Shore shops. I felt guilty all the time. Resented my poor father who was my full time free babysitter. He did such a great job, but I was mad at him for being home with her.


So enter the SAHM (Stay at home mom). I finally felt normal. When working full time in my neighborhood made me feel like a leper. We were poor as shit but happy. Going from a two income to a one commission based income was a shocker to say the least. But we did it we managed. DH's business grew and grew until we got to where it was good. Very good really. So I went about my SAHM career. Took my kids to preschool, library classes, the park, the beach, did crafts, played games, made dinner all the good things the good mommy does.

Why now do the tides seem to be changing? I know I have a High Schooler but I still have a first grader. I still need to do spelling homework right after school, drive everyone all over the planet in the window of 2-6 p.m., be the PTA president of yet a third child's school, clean my house, do my laundry, food shop, cook dinner etc. etc. etc. So why am I made to feel that since my "work" doesn't come with a paycheck it's not real or important? And that someday I will have to get a real job again (why??) and then I will count. Then people will think I do something all day, as all the behind the scenes work somehow gets done on its own.

It bothers me I guess because when I decided to become a mom, I put any career or what I want to be when I grow up aspirations on a shelf. Not that you have to. There are plenty of great moms that work outside the home. I salute them. I am not cut from that cloth. I thought I could come back to it later on...someday. But I am finding someday doesn't really come. Because my children need me. Even though they are all pretty much self sufficient. "Mom can you bring this up to school?" "Mom, I hope you are going to be my class mom this year" "Mom can you drive so and so home otherwise she will have to walk home in the dark" "Mom can you bake 300 cookies for my bake sale...tomorrow?" I need to able to say yes to all this. I know they are lucky. They don't even know how lucky they are. That's ok, they shouldn't. This should be normal for them.
This is where I should be. They are my job. Their academic success, their good behavior, their content safe life is my paycheck. And there will come a day when they all will be driving and not need me so much for the every day. And that's ok. Then I know I would have been successful at my "job".

So to all who may comment on any SAHM's lack of work, or lack of worth...think again. I may be able to make a career dream come true someday. And if it doesnt happen then it wasn't meant to be. But I have one shot at this mom job. I am doing it the best I can. And that validates me right now. A mom is part of who I am. Not all of who I am but a huge part. And you know what I know for sure? I am dam good at it.

Learning from change...

Change is inevitable. A few posts ago I said I don't like change but will learn to go with it because there's nothing I can do to stop it. Well someone heard and decided to put me to the test.

In that time I have lost someone I loved to cancer, and one of my dearest friends is moving away to another state and then my best friends tell me they can't go on vacation as planned(which stinks) because their kids may be sick (which really stinks) and need to attend to that. A few days ago it all felt like really too much to bear. I had a couple poor me moments I must admit.

But that being said, I am really trying this "accepting" change for what it is. It's not easy, at least not for me. Although accepting change will be very hard for me at least I can try to see what I can learn from it. Maybe that will make it easier.

From losing someone, I learn that time is short and live each moment to the fullest. I guess I really knew that anyway but it's a harsh reminder. Maybe now I will choose my battles, especially with my husband and children. Be a better person. To see that funeral home filled to the brim with people, lined up to say goodbye to their friend was amazing. We never know really how many people's lives we touch when we live to be good to those to enter into ours.

From a friend leaving, I learn not to fill everyday with to do's. Have lunch, take a walk, sit on the beach, go shopping. Just be. Be together when you can and make keeping connected a priority. Friends are the family we choose. And now maybe I know a little why I am so lucky to have made so many new good friends. I was going to need them to lean on, to laugh with and to make new memories with. And miles can't erase a friendship. And I don't just make friends, I collect them. Yes, collect them. I don't plan on getting rid of any.

And not to take good health for granted. I remember on my wedding video when the guy went around to everyone at the reception and taped their good wishes for us. And so many people said "we wish you good health" ( or "gooood elth" in broken English...gotta be Italian to appreciate that) and I thought that was weird. What an odd thing to say. Now I get it. I hope all those good health wishes stick "til we are 105...

Sometimes change is great. Sometimes we dread it. Sometimes we wait with happy anticipation for it. Sometime it comes up and smacks us in the face when we weren't looking. But it's always coming. Learn to embrace it? Yeah well maybe in another lifetime. For now I may just shake it's hand and hope it doesn't knock me off my feet.

We remember

Our family remembers. God Bless America.

Good bye Uncle Phil

Our family lost one of our best yesterday. Uncle Phil was everyone's friend. Although he is my DH's uncle I have known him since I am 16 years old and he was and always will be my uncle too. He made me feel like part of the family from the day I met him. He was always there with a joke or a smile. He called me "Clara" just to bug me, hated when we used too many napkins and was a golf buddy to all the guys in the family. He was a wonderful husband. Loved his wife you could tell. They are a great example of what a married couple should be. A great father to his three children and their spouses. A proud grandfather of three who will now grow up without their Papa to show them the way. The baby brother in his family and a son who's mother had to experience the one thing that is every mother's greatest fear. I know his wake and funeral will be standing room only and I know he will be looking down and loving it. We will laugh and cry and walk down memory lane many times in the next few days. Italian funerals are an experience all their own. Unfortunately I have been to several so I am a seasoned professional. I will miss him dearly and still can't believe he is gone. There will be a hole in our family now. I know someday we will not hurt as much. And we all have been smiling through our tears as we speak of him. He will look out for all of us from heaven. We miss you already Uncle Phil and I can't begin to think of all the napkins we'll use on Saturday. I felt him looking over my shoulder at all the tissues I used last night. Rest in peace and I am sure your golf score will be fantastic now! Til we meet again.

And to my friends....if your husband is on your nerves this week, let him off the hook. Time is too short. Ask my Aunt Julie.

September...do you remember?

Yes it's September. OK I said it. I am ok about it though. We had the last "Monday Night at the Beach" night tonight. Did it with bang this time dinner and all..Fun.

So goodbye.......

~ To my "Summer Song"...(I have had it by now listening to it every time I check my blog)

~ "Monday night at the Beach"

~ Lazy mornings

~ my pool

~ Watering all my flowers

~ Dirty pool towels

~ No socks to wash

~ my uniform (bathing suit and coverup)

~ drinks on the deck

~ kickball 'til the street lights come on

~ eating tomatoes off the vine

~ bare feet

~ marshing mallows

Hello...

~homework

~falling leaves

~Autumn clothes...love them!

~Halloween

~My anniversary

~Comfort food for dinner

~fires in the fireplace...

One can always find the best in any situation. And now I have finally come to realize that I can't stop things from changing. I don't think I'm that good with change. I like things they way they are when they are good. Summer is good. But summer's over. Well not really for 20 more days..but it's over in spirit. I am ok with it. A little melancholy? Sure. The beginning of school always make makes me that way. All my kiddies are another year older. Even the "baby" is in a real number grade now..1st! Wow.

So you can't stop change. I have to learn to go with it. So going forward I will try. I will say goodbye to summer. With no regrets. It was a blast. I smile when I think about the fun we had. The memories we made.

And I look forward to September. Maybe taking it one month at a time is a better approach rather than seasonal.

So hello September. First exciting day of school, Junior will be 13 on Friday. (two teenagers in my house now...yikes!), first day of Autumn, trip to a dude ranch with family and friends, apple picking, mums to plant.

Yeah, I can do this.