Don't Hunch Your Back with Yesterday

I just added that quote to my quote list. I just read it in an article about the person certain famous people were inspired by. That quote was from Danny Thomas, as told to his daughter.

I didn't get it at first. But it caught my eye since I love great quotes...hence the list.

As I read and thought about it, I got it. Its about not holding grudges because they don't change the person/situation you are angry with. It only weighs you down. It eats you up makes you "hunched" over with misery.

I know someone that is going for surgery today, and it won't be pleasant. (not that any surgery is "fun" with maybe the exception of a c-section since you get a baby after but still it's not fun by any means...) But she is getting a second chance, catching the disease before it runs rampant through her body.

So what does she have to say when I call to wish her luck? She just complains on and on about her daughter in law who is coming to spend the whole day at the hospital with her. She apparently didn't call her enough times leading up to surgery day for her liking so now she is pissed at her and would just rather "go through surgery alone without anyone there".... complain complain complain....Seriously.

To quote a friend's favorite line..."Are you f-ing kidding me?" I mean don't look at the fact that your daughter in law has four kids under 7 and needs to make what I am sure amounts to a logistical nightmare for her kids so she can be there. That she will be well for Christmas and not sick and get to be with her grandsons? That she will be 100% by next October when her other son gets married? No she just holds grudges and misery. I don't think she will ever feel 100% since she cannot let go of ANYTHING.

So the lesson here for me is to not hold yesterday on my back. Though with some people and circumstances I think that's hard. But I can try. It doesn't do you any good. Funny the book club choice of the month taught that lesson too. I think when you take the time to listen....you find the answers that you need.

Courage

I cannot believe I was at a wake again. This time a mom. A mom that was a friend through PTA. If you know anything about PTA you know you can find some amazing people there. (some incredibly annoying people there as well, but again another post)

This person was the first person that I met when my PTA journey began 11 years ago. She was the first person to reach out and make me feel welcome. She would always say hello if she ran into me in the store even if she didn't know my name yet. We worked together on various PTA things over the years. We would always chat, compare "mom notes" as her two children are the same age as my older two. She was just good. She was an advocate for the children of our town, and always got the job done. As the years passed I became more involved, now one of the old timers that have been around the block a few times. I've done it...from class mom to PTA President. And throughout it I remembered to treat people the way Julie treated me. I always tried to and I think I have.

She got sick about two years ago and we saw less and less of her. But then she was on the mend, back at work. Saw her a few times over the summer. Her "new" hair grew in and we joked about blondes having more fun. School started and I realized I hadn't seen her around. And on Monday I got the call. Then I knew why I hadn't seen her lately.

I couldn't coordinate with other friends on a time to go together so I went to the wake alone. The whole town was there as I knew they would be. I have never felt alone in a room full of people before. It was surreal. I just stood on the line not speaking. Just smiling at this one and that one as they made eye contact across the room. Now I am not the rock for people when they are grieving that I would like to be. I usually am of no use. I don't handle all this well. So I was scared that I would make a spectacle of myself when it was my turn to approach the casket. But I didn't. She looked at peace after being in unbearable pain. I was happy for a minute that I was able to touch her hand and say goodbye. I just turned and walked out of the funeral parlor and cried all the way home...cried for her children and her husband, all of her very sad friends. I felt in my heart what is every mother's greatest fear.

I have sort of been asked to mention her at a huge family basket ball game night we are running on Friday for the school district. The money we raise will now go towards a scholarship in her name. I have the words I should say. Someone helped me figure out what they should be. But how. How am I going to say them? Now as you can see from the thousands of words just on my blog I am not usually at a loss. I am trying to pawn it off on someone who could really be the person to do it rather than me. Cowardly I know. And I am usually not a coward. But I am scared I won't do it right, or I will break down or God knows what.

I quote..."As for you my fine friend, you are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger you have no courage! You are confusing courage with wisdom. " ~The Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz

Am I? Confusing courage with wisdom? Do I think because I am scared to do it, that I don't know how? I do know how. I have courage. Courage to go to a wake alone where my heart broke as I waited on that line. Courage to go back to my nice warm house afterward, where my little boy was waiting for me to come home to watch an oldie but goodie on tv, and put a smile on my face so he would not know his mommy was crying. Courage to not get lost in the "what if this happens to me" and know to just be grateful for what I have and where I am. Courage to do the right thing even if it's the last thing I want to do.

So if I have to speak I will. I just hope, no I know, Julie's got my back.

State of mind...

Now, with 3 kids, a husband, 3 pets and a mortgage of course I live in the 'burbs". duh.

But ah, the city. Spent the day there yesterday with my brood, since the kids were off from school. Well, actually my brood these days consists of maybe about 25 people ranging from age
mid 40's to "can't even sit up yet" but that's another story.

It was a crisp clear beautiful fall day. We took the early train in much to the dismay of sleepy commuters, we were not a quiet kind of traveling brood mind you. It was Shorty's (and some pal's) first time on the train so the excitement level was through the roof. It was Veteran's Day and many of our brave men and women in uniform were roaming around as well. Even George W. was in town.

Got in without a hitch which is saying a lot if you knew the crowd we were with. We walked to Macy's, already started getting set up for Christmas. Made my heart sing to walk in and hear Christmas music playing. I know it's WAY early, but c'mon doesn't the first song you hear each year make you smile just a little??? Santa was not there yet. (which really was o.k. even I am not ready to sit on his lap yet) he doesn't come 'til the end of the Thanksgiving Day parade remember???

We meandered over to Junior's for an early lunch. (http://www.juniorscheesecake.com/juniors_cheesecake/Juniors_Cheesecake_Home/Our_Restaurants.php
Kids got their own table and actually were really good the whole time. Maybe they were really as hungry as they all said. But they laughed and chatted with two really nice waiters who helped keep them entertained. We all had ridiculously large reubens and other various meat stacked sandwiches. Some of us had egg creams and most of us of course, had to try some famous cheese cake for dessert. Thinking about it now, reubens, egg creams and cheesecake? Can you have a more NY inspired lunch? Seriously.

Off again. A quick stop in the Nintendo store, which can be summed up as video games on steroids. A little boy's heaven on earth. Then off to really why we are there in the first place, Radio City Music Hall. I just love to walk in there. I have been several times, as have my big ones. (Shorty's first time again) but each time is as breathtaking as the one before. It has never lost it's charm. Carpeted throughout with a massive chandelier hovering overheard. And although I needed oxygen by the time I climbed the staircases to our seats, which were truly the worst seats in the house, the stage was as awesome as the first time I saw it. And honestly there isn't a bad seat in RC so we were just fine. The Christmas Spectacular was wonderful. Three D effects for the newbies in the beginning was pretty cool. Rockettes were amazing as always, still makes me want to be one for a minute like I did when I was little.

We headed straight to the train after the show, to the complaining of some disgruntled short people who needed to go into Toys R Us. (I mean, is it ever enough? My only complaint of the day). Home in the house by 6:00 pm to eat turkey soup DH made the day before. Yum. I did remember to thank my two big ones for being good sports with a day filled with little kids, they made me proud as always.

These are the days that remind me why I never want to move. Yes, I live in one of the most expensive places in the U.S., my taxes are enough to make you want to run screaming into the night.

But I have the Big Apple a short train ride away. I can be at the ocean in 30 minutes by car. I can take a weekend drive and see the most amazing fall foliage ever. So why would I go?

I know people that have moved away. And I listen to how the weather is so great...I'm sorry swimming on Christmas day is weird. I would rather go sledding and I hate winter! And yes I know boys carry your groceries to your car and won't accept a tip. I am lucky if I get my stuff bagged at the register. (and they are too slow and do it wrong most of the time anyway)

But you know what? I can get an egg cream if I want. (some people don't even know what that is..poor souls) I can shop for ANYTHING I want. I can lay at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean and take the sun in the morning and be sitting in a Broadway theatre by the evening.

So keep your constant sunshine and your carried for you groceries. I would take carrying my own bags in the shadow of the greatest city in the world any day over that.

Angels in Disguise

I never talk much about babies. I am done with that part of my life. Diapers, bottles, disrupted sleep. I joke now that I am done, like stick a fork in me I am done.

I guess having Shorty so long after the other two were independent was hard a lot of times. Dragging him around to all the big kids things when I just wanted him to be able to be home like they were when they were younger. And I guess when I finally had a little bit of freedom, when he was in school and now in school full time I never wanted to go back to being stuck. Stuck in the house, not being able to do lunch with the girls, not showering til 3:00 in the afternoon. All those things I was not happy about when I got myself "stuck" again six years ago.

SIX years ago. Where did that time go? For awhile now I have been afraid that I wished it away. Too much complaining and not enough being in the moment.

Yesterday I was holding a little fellow that I know during a breakfast with the girls. He is the kind of guy that you just want to take a bite out of, big blue eyes and all. As we chatted all 8 of us a mile a minute an older woman walked by our table. She looked me holding him and mouthed..."just love him". Guess she must've thought he was mine. I smiled and said I know.

As I thought about my day later on, I thought I did love them. I mean of course I love them but I did love it. Loved that baby smell, that little diaper butt, feeding them a bottle and finding them staring at my face and when I looked down they would smile and dribble formula all over the place. The serious LOUD jumping in the exersaucer, baby food jars in the cabinet, the sound of the baby mobile playing a lullaby over the baby monitor. I have been afraid that because I don't miss it I have wished it away. I don't miss it. Not in the sense that I want it back. I just think now that when I hold a baby or walk down the baby aisle in the supermarket that feeling I get is not dread. It's a tug at my heart to remind me of how wonderful it all was and how lucky I was to have happy healthy babies to love.

I love my life now and where we are at as a family. I can have grown up deep conversations with these two teenagers that live with me. And I know they are the same two lumps folded up in a tight little receiving blanket that I held in the middle of the night. I have a 6 year old that blows me away with the insightful questions he asks. The same baby that during the first time I fed him in the hospital at 2:00 am, as we sat there in that very dimly lit room, and I told him well you certainly aren't a Bianca ( I was convinced he was going to be a girl) he slowly blinked his eyes and I swear moved closer into my arms and smiled. As if to say, "Nope I'm me and it's nice to meet you."

So thanks to that little baby muffin I held in the diner yesterday. And thanks to that lady who walked by. Thanks for reminding me what has always been in my heart. Thank you, angels in disguise. (and also to the one that inspired this post...you know who you are)

There's that "change" thing again...

Seems I write a lot about change lately. How I really don't like it, try to resist it. But know in my heart of hearts there ain't a dam thing I can do about it.

This year is almost over. And not only have I faced a lot of personal change..now our country had embraced change. Seems to be the theme of the year. Change is really staring me in the face now. As usual I approach change with trepidation. I am usually a black and white person. Meaning that's how I see things...not gray. But for the first time I am kinda gray. Not sure about the direction my country is going in..hopeful I suppose but not sure. My children as usual teach me what I need to know.

They live in a household of a certain political party, which is to say, that even though we vote one way, we are usually considerate of other people's views, and have taught them to respectfully agree to disagree. They also have four grandparents that are f-a-r to one side. I guess they have been predisposed to lean to a certain side. So they were upset with the "outcome". So I tried to explain to them that no American wants harm to come to our country and everyone wants what's best. Then I said it. "Change is good." "I think right now we needed it. Maybe we needed to have the apple cart shook up for some reason. " To which they responded, Well Mom, like you say everything happens for a reason". (don't you hate when your own words come back to bite you in the ass??) So I ease their worry and promise when they wake up tomorrow life will go on. And it did.

So I guess my year of change has culminated with the mother of all change. I am really hoping for some good status quo for 2009. I think status quo gets a bad rap sometimes. Although I don't like change I do remain forever hopeful. I really have become the glass half full kind of gal. So maybe I will just stay in the gray zone for awhile. It's a happy place for me. For now.