Where does self-worth come from? Does it come from some magical place inside us like I have heard? Or do we need to be validated from outside our "souls". I don't know.
I "used to" work. I was very much needed where I worked. I was good at what I did. My job was part of who I was. I knew what the stock market was doing, I looked at it everyday. I had to read certain parts of the Wall Street Journal every morning. I wore suits and stockings and high heels. I had a lunch hour, 6 weeks paid vacation, and a sports car. Then I had a baby. I worked right up until one week before I gave birth ( not planned..early arrival!) I thought I could be a "working" mom. I really did. My mother did it, never seemed to phase her. I can remember the day I went back to work after maternity leave. I cried the whole way there. I hated my desk, the stock market and most everyone I worked with. I watched the clock all day and sprinted out when the day was done. I spent my lunch hour shopping for baby clothes in expensive North Shore shops. I felt guilty all the time. Resented my poor father who was my full time free babysitter. He did such a great job, but I was mad at him for being home with her.
So enter the SAHM (Stay at home mom). I finally felt normal. When working full time in my neighborhood made me feel like a leper. We were poor as shit but happy. Going from a two income to a one commission based income was a shocker to say the least. But we did it we managed. DH's business grew and grew until we got to where it was good. Very good really. So I went about my SAHM career. Took my kids to preschool, library classes, the park, the beach, did crafts, played games, made dinner all the good things the good mommy does.
Why now do the tides seem to be changing? I know I have a High Schooler but I still have a first grader. I still need to do spelling homework right after school, drive everyone all over the planet in the window of 2-6 p.m., be the PTA president of yet a third child's school, clean my house, do my laundry, food shop, cook dinner etc. etc. etc. So why am I made to feel that since my "work" doesn't come with a paycheck it's not real or important? And that someday I will have to get a real job again (why??) and then I will count. Then people will think I do something all day, as all the behind the scenes work somehow gets done on its own.
It bothers me I guess because when I decided to become a mom, I put any career or what I want to be when I grow up aspirations on a shelf. Not that you have to. There are plenty of great moms that work outside the home. I salute them. I am not cut from that cloth. I thought I could come back to it later on...someday. But I am finding someday doesn't really come. Because my children need me. Even though they are all pretty much self sufficient. "Mom can you bring this up to school?" "Mom, I hope you are going to be my class mom this year" "Mom can you drive so and so home otherwise she will have to walk home in the dark" "Mom can you bake 300 cookies for my bake sale...tomorrow?" I need to able to say yes to all this. I know they are lucky. They don't even know how lucky they are. That's ok, they shouldn't. This should be normal for them.
This is where I should be. They are my job. Their academic success, their good behavior, their content safe life is my paycheck. And there will come a day when they all will be driving and not need me so much for the every day. And that's ok. Then I know I would have been successful at my "job".
So to all who may comment on any SAHM's lack of work, or lack of worth...think again. I may be able to make a career dream come true someday. And if it doesnt happen then it wasn't meant to be. But I have one shot at this mom job. I am doing it the best I can. And that validates me right now. A mom is part of who I am. Not all of who I am but a huge part. And you know what I know for sure? I am dam good at it.
I "used to" work. I was very much needed where I worked. I was good at what I did. My job was part of who I was. I knew what the stock market was doing, I looked at it everyday. I had to read certain parts of the Wall Street Journal every morning. I wore suits and stockings and high heels. I had a lunch hour, 6 weeks paid vacation, and a sports car. Then I had a baby. I worked right up until one week before I gave birth ( not planned..early arrival!) I thought I could be a "working" mom. I really did. My mother did it, never seemed to phase her. I can remember the day I went back to work after maternity leave. I cried the whole way there. I hated my desk, the stock market and most everyone I worked with. I watched the clock all day and sprinted out when the day was done. I spent my lunch hour shopping for baby clothes in expensive North Shore shops. I felt guilty all the time. Resented my poor father who was my full time free babysitter. He did such a great job, but I was mad at him for being home with her.
So enter the SAHM (Stay at home mom). I finally felt normal. When working full time in my neighborhood made me feel like a leper. We were poor as shit but happy. Going from a two income to a one commission based income was a shocker to say the least. But we did it we managed. DH's business grew and grew until we got to where it was good. Very good really. So I went about my SAHM career. Took my kids to preschool, library classes, the park, the beach, did crafts, played games, made dinner all the good things the good mommy does.
Why now do the tides seem to be changing? I know I have a High Schooler but I still have a first grader. I still need to do spelling homework right after school, drive everyone all over the planet in the window of 2-6 p.m., be the PTA president of yet a third child's school, clean my house, do my laundry, food shop, cook dinner etc. etc. etc. So why am I made to feel that since my "work" doesn't come with a paycheck it's not real or important? And that someday I will have to get a real job again (why??) and then I will count. Then people will think I do something all day, as all the behind the scenes work somehow gets done on its own.
It bothers me I guess because when I decided to become a mom, I put any career or what I want to be when I grow up aspirations on a shelf. Not that you have to. There are plenty of great moms that work outside the home. I salute them. I am not cut from that cloth. I thought I could come back to it later on...someday. But I am finding someday doesn't really come. Because my children need me. Even though they are all pretty much self sufficient. "Mom can you bring this up to school?" "Mom, I hope you are going to be my class mom this year" "Mom can you drive so and so home otherwise she will have to walk home in the dark" "Mom can you bake 300 cookies for my bake sale...tomorrow?" I need to able to say yes to all this. I know they are lucky. They don't even know how lucky they are. That's ok, they shouldn't. This should be normal for them.
This is where I should be. They are my job. Their academic success, their good behavior, their content safe life is my paycheck. And there will come a day when they all will be driving and not need me so much for the every day. And that's ok. Then I know I would have been successful at my "job".
So to all who may comment on any SAHM's lack of work, or lack of worth...think again. I may be able to make a career dream come true someday. And if it doesnt happen then it wasn't meant to be. But I have one shot at this mom job. I am doing it the best I can. And that validates me right now. A mom is part of who I am. Not all of who I am but a huge part. And you know what I know for sure? I am dam good at it.
1 comment:
Have I told you lately that I love you? Seriously, tears stinging my eyes right now, love you! You are a "dam good" Mom, and a dam good Woman too! TP, Jr., Shrty and what do we call her? the diva maybe? Are all very lucky to have you - and I think they do know it!
I love my SAHM life too - You're like my SAHM Mentor! LOL.
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