"...like marizpan frosting on a sardine."

How's that for a post title? It's a quote from book I just read. A character described her sister's ex-lover as such. It made me laugh. Then it made me think. I know people who are sardines with marzipan frosting. Look all good and together on the outside. May even make people envious of what they have. But when you "cut them open"...yep. Sardines. Just like that pretty cake...imagine you cut a piece thinking it would be heaven on a plate, then it's just sardines inside. Yuck.

Then I think again. Am I becoming one? Maybe that's why I have had this feeling of unrest for some time. Thought maybe it was the winter blues...but maybe the weather's not totally to blame. Maybe I have been getting caught up in the wake of the sardines and not being true to myself. I think in some ways, yes.

I have always known who I am. What I am about. Lately, I am doubting who I am. I have feeling of not measuring up, not confident in my decisions, self conscientious about what I am putting out there to the world. I have become consumed with things. Now I like nice things like the next guy. And if I had all the disposable income at my fingertips that I desired I would have even better stuff. But somewhere I started to lose what's most important. I started to take for granted the wonderful experience that is my life. I used to keep a gratitude journal for many years. Can't remember when's the last time I wrote in that. I can almost be sure it has not been since I moved to the other side of the tracks. I am afraid therein lies the problem. The other side of the tracks was always on my wish list. When I got it I think I forgot that there's more than where your front door is to be grateful for. Time to dust that off and start writing in it again.

I am not sure if the book I just read has helped me shift my focus. I think it was one of a few things. It sure made me realize that being bummed about not be able to vacation at my favorite summer destination this year is total nonsense compared to God forbid, a sick child. I think our crappy economy though I know it's temporary, has made to me take a second look at where the heck all the money my husband makes goes. And how much we just took for granted and threw money at to make it all be wonderful. Again, money is good. Lots of money is better. I know in my house when the money's flowing everything's just peachy. When money is tight maybe not so much. But that's not who we are. We have a great life. We are very blessed and rich in so many ways. Money is nice..I do enjoy it in large sums...but it's not everything and really can't make you truly happy.

As I drove home today, someone had a bumper sticker that read "Gratitude is the Attitude". I thought..I know that. Someone trying to tell me something? Seems so. I know when you are truly grateful for what you have, only then can more come your way. More not necessarily being things...it could be more in so many other forms. More good health, more strength to deal with people who are nipping at your heels, more patience for your kids who really just want some of you every day even if they are teenagers!

So I will not become a sardine with marzipan frosting. Although I love the marzipan frosting...perfect, no lumps, bumps or "knife lines"...and I can keep striving for that. But, when you cut me open no sardines. More like red velvet cake. Yeah, comforting and good. And real. No artificial anything inside. And when I run into people that remind me of that saying I will just laugh because I know what's underneath.

P.S. Thanks Lizard for reminding me of this latest song...I know it's coming I just wish it would hurry up!!